The bells of war had finally calmed down, as finally a victor emerged from the crimson laced battlefield. With snow gently falling down from the serene gray skies of winter, the man stood up, dragging his blood stained sword behind him. And even though the battles had long ended, the cries of war still vividly rings inside his ears as the play of swords came to view inside his mind. With each step he makes, the war would replay itself again, over and over again. But such sight didnt bothered him. Nor the taunting distorted faces of the men he slew, or the dismembered bodies of his comrades that lay down on his feet. Not even the mocking white frost on his bloodstained armor, or the biting pain on his side. Not a single one of them.
As he walked pass by the scattered remains of the warriors from both sides, another memory from before began playing inside his mind. The night of her land was slaughtered. The same land he vowed to protect with all his life. The same land that was once flourishing with life, vibrating with serenity. but now, it was nothing but a barren wasteland. A graveyard for all the innocent souls who perished that night. Those poor souls who suffered in his stead.
If only he did not let his emotions betray his judgement, those people, would be still....
Alive.
Alive and breathing just like him. Not cold and decaying under the charred remains of the ruins of their beloved village. They shouldnt be...
A stray piece of shield caught his foot, sending his rolling down the corpse strewn hill. He was back from where he started.
Lying in a pool of blood and corpses.
He tried to stand up, but the gnawing pain from his side forced him down. He tried again, but with same results. It seemed his body just wants him to lay here, along with his comrades. To watch the Winter sky shed theirf frozen tears for him as he lay there waiting for his Shinigami.
He wondered as the cold began creeping to his lower extremities, if the same shinigami that took her life would come and take his. He was thinking if he cold strike a bargain with that shinigami so that he could ask it to take him to where she is. He's not gonna stay to whatever place she's in of course, he just want to talk to her.
What would you say to her?
"I"m sorry. I'm sorry for not betraying your trust."
Is that all?
"No, I want to thank her the most. She gave me so much, so selfishly, to someone who did not deserve a single drop what she so wholeheartedly gave me. She deserved someone else, yet she continued on believing in me."
Why do you say that?
"I rebuked her feelings, because I was afraid that I'll just hurt her more. And the fact that I was still in love with her sister, and the rage of vengeance inside my heart and mind, I am simply not worthy of her..."
Yet she believed in you right?
"Yes. And I betrayed that trust."
What makes you think you betrayed her trust?
" I caused her so much pain and suffering. I took forgranted her feelings and watched her sold herself to that filthy warlord. I sent her beloved land to hell, and lead her army to their end."
Did anyone blamed you for that? Did anyone pointed a finger at you and accused you of their murder?
"No one did..."
Then why claim such harsh pretenses?
"Because I knew my sins, I dont deserve this life, yet I'm still breathing..."
These people gave their live protecting you, yet you choose to waste their sacrifice?
"I did not deserve this life their giving me..."
Everyone has a right to live...
"I am not one of that 'everyone'..." He closed his eyes, as a warm drop of tear began it journey down his cold cheek. His pale lips felt so cold, and his whole body feels so numb and heavy. Although his mind was getting blurry, he could still see clearly.
Clear enough to see who was kneeling beside him.
Her long dark hair fluttering against the cold winter winds, as the light pecks of snow flakes covered her head. Wearing the same lilac and white cherry blossom kimono she favored so much. Her bright sun gold eyes vibrating with life stared down his, filled with questions yet remained silent with answers. He tried to lift his arm to caress her face, but he was too weak to move. She smiled, as she picked up his near frozen arm and held it close to her warm cheek. With such a simple and gentle act, he felt that same familiar warmth embrace his body, filling his cold senses. Life began to ring loudly in his ears, as her apparition began to fade.
"Live...and find me..."
Those were the words were enough for him to stand up to his feet, struggling fiercely against the blinding pain on his side. He took of his armor and ripped a hem of his suit and tied it across his gaping wound. The pain was slightly quelled as he strapped back his armor on.
Taking a deep breath, he began climbing the hill again with much vigor and enthusiasm.
How can he forget that promise?
The same promise that fueled his fight for life...that same promise that kept him alive...
Monday, November 5, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
To those who are forgiven and forgotten, part 3
The moment he caught the sight of her from the open door of her room, all his emotions just gave way. He didnt knew when he started crying or why did he run towards her.
All he knew was that he suddenly had this overwhelming urge to pick her up from her bed and embrace her as tight as he could. But he cant.
He just cant.
With all the IV lines connected to her limp and bruised arms. With that breathing mask covering half of her face. With that painfully frail body lying on those white sheets. He just cant pick her up and embrace her anymore.
He watched in muted horror as her chest rise and fall in slow shaky rhythm, in tune with the ventilator machine by her side. All he could do was pick up her cold and skinny hand and kiss it. He couldnt even squeeze it tight because of the fear he might break her bones. He Broke down by her bed, sobbing her name continously, while begging for forgiveness.
"Oh Gawd, Gawd...I'm sorry, I"m sorry....I...I... Oh Gawd, I'm so sorry."
"I wish she could hear you." Her sister was there, watching him make a fool of himself. But then again, he was a fool. A fool for not believing about her illness. He buried his shameful face into her cold hand, hoping it could send her his message.
"...Babe?" A hoarse and dry voice silenced the two. All held their breaths as she weakly opened her eyes and smiled weakly at her 'fiance'.
"...I...Missed...you..." She tried to squeeze his hand, but she just cant. She smiled again, as she lift her other skinny arm to wave at her sister who was crying so hard.
"...I'm sorry...I made...you guys worried..." She tried to sit up, with the help of her weak arm, but instead, she began coughing. She lift off her breathing mask to cover her mouth, but her weak arm just doesnt have the strenght.
Blood spattered at her breathing mask, and as she continued coughing, her sister ran towards the Nurse's desk for help. Helpless and scared, grabbed his hankerchief and wiped the blood from her face and her mask. Then he embraced her tight.
"Please, dont push your self to hard." He kissed her forehead, and buried his face in her hair. her hair has lost all the life and luster it once had. All what's left was the dry strands and flakes from not being washed properly.
"Dont push yourself too much, baby, please..."
"Uhm...I'm sorry....but...can you..please let go off me?"
"Huh?"
"Do I know you?"
"Her condition has worsened as we had predicted. As her the condition progresses, her memories will continue to deteriorate, just what had jsut happened. Not only that, her system will one by one collapse, and once that happens, you'll know. Also, we'll need your consent as to whether we will be doing advance directives on her or leave her DNR."
He stood up quietly. He cant stand listening to this conversation anymore.
All he knew was that he suddenly had this overwhelming urge to pick her up from her bed and embrace her as tight as he could. But he cant.
He just cant.
With all the IV lines connected to her limp and bruised arms. With that breathing mask covering half of her face. With that painfully frail body lying on those white sheets. He just cant pick her up and embrace her anymore.
He watched in muted horror as her chest rise and fall in slow shaky rhythm, in tune with the ventilator machine by her side. All he could do was pick up her cold and skinny hand and kiss it. He couldnt even squeeze it tight because of the fear he might break her bones. He Broke down by her bed, sobbing her name continously, while begging for forgiveness.
"Oh Gawd, Gawd...I'm sorry, I"m sorry....I...I... Oh Gawd, I'm so sorry."
"I wish she could hear you." Her sister was there, watching him make a fool of himself. But then again, he was a fool. A fool for not believing about her illness. He buried his shameful face into her cold hand, hoping it could send her his message.
"...Babe?" A hoarse and dry voice silenced the two. All held their breaths as she weakly opened her eyes and smiled weakly at her 'fiance'.
"...I...Missed...you..." She tried to squeeze his hand, but she just cant. She smiled again, as she lift her other skinny arm to wave at her sister who was crying so hard.
"...I'm sorry...I made...you guys worried..." She tried to sit up, with the help of her weak arm, but instead, she began coughing. She lift off her breathing mask to cover her mouth, but her weak arm just doesnt have the strenght.
Blood spattered at her breathing mask, and as she continued coughing, her sister ran towards the Nurse's desk for help. Helpless and scared, grabbed his hankerchief and wiped the blood from her face and her mask. Then he embraced her tight.
"Please, dont push your self to hard." He kissed her forehead, and buried his face in her hair. her hair has lost all the life and luster it once had. All what's left was the dry strands and flakes from not being washed properly.
"Dont push yourself too much, baby, please..."
"Uhm...I'm sorry....but...can you..please let go off me?"
"Huh?"
"Do I know you?"
************
"Her condition has worsened as we had predicted. As her the condition progresses, her memories will continue to deteriorate, just what had jsut happened. Not only that, her system will one by one collapse, and once that happens, you'll know. Also, we'll need your consent as to whether we will be doing advance directives on her or leave her DNR."
He stood up quietly. He cant stand listening to this conversation anymore.
To those who are forgiven and forgotten Part 2
Why is he now hesitating?
Wasnt he so hot to see just now?
And now that he knew where she was, why is he hesitating?
Why is he hesitating to open the door to the ward now?
Why?
Didnt he came here so he can finally break up with her officially and end everything?
Didnt he came here to rub in her face that he'll never fall victim to her 'Help me' schemes?
That he's over with her, that he doesnt want to see her anymore?
That's why he's here right? To end everything.
And since that's his only reason, and since he knew her and her "help me schemes' so well, coming to the Hopital like this didnt bother him.
If that's the case, then why is he hesitating to enter the ICU ward now?
Why?
He stood silent staring at the opaque glass windows of the ICU door. He could hear the persistent beeping of monitors from inside. He could just imagine her limp body hooked to all kind of monitors and breathing from a breathing mask. But then again, knowing her, this must be one of those stunts she's so good with.
He forced a laugh, as he pushed the intercom button. "Yes?" A deep voice echoed from the intercom.
"Yes, I'm here to visit Room 207 please."
"And you are?"
"Her Ex-fiance." He felt a thick lump in his throat as the word 'ex-fiance' came out from his mouth. Yeah, I'm her ex now. Cuz, I'm ending this thing between us. I'm done with this crap you're playing with me.
"Ok now, you may come in."
A dull click came from the ICU door and he pushed it open with a swing. If the scent of chemical fumes was heavy outside the ICU, here it was twice heavier. The loud beeping monitors and the sound of the the ventilators echoed within empty hallway. He wore a mocking smile as he greeted the nurses on the ICU front desk who returned his smile hesitantly.
What's why the grim smile? He though. These nurses must be with her too.
He kept the mocking smile on as he made his way towarrds her room, nonchalantly. And as he entered the line of rooms for the ICU patients and was able to get a quick peek inside, he felt his heart pound hard again.
Patients lay limp on their beds, with numerous tubes hanging beside their limp form, connected to bags of IV fluids.. Some had tubes connected to their throat for them to breath, some had breathing mask on. A monitor hanging from the corner side of the patients' bed contiously flashes numbers of different colors. For one particular patient, his monitor doesnt flash a number anymore, and his IV pole was free of IV bags. He doesnt have a Ventilator, or a breathing mask on, but the man was still breathing raggedly. As if he was desperate for air and couldnt breath by himself. He stopped by and took a quick peek inside.
The man's eyes were covered by a thin film and they seemed void of life. HIs mouth hung open, and you could see his tongue and oral mucosa dry. His breath smells and his skin looks so poor. One of his thin hand lay limp by the bed and on his wrist were numerous bands. One of those bands caught his attention. A ceratin Blue band with large bold letter written on it.
DNR. Short for Do not Resuscitate. 'It means that in the event the patient's condition had gotten worst or terminal, no advance procedure should be done. That he/ she would be left to die of naturally on his bed.'
"Obviously this isnt her room." He was saved from the shock by the familiar stern voice.
He choked back the heavy surge of emotions back as he turned to face her sister. "I know, I was just--"
"I'm not asking."
"Ah, yeah."
"Her room is next to this one."
"Yes. Thanks." He took his hanky from his pocket and wiped his brows.
"Are you ok? You look kinda pale."
"No, I"m ok." he forced another smile as he exit the room. He took another deep breath as he turned his heel.
"I'm just fine."
Wasnt he so hot to see just now?
And now that he knew where she was, why is he hesitating?
Why is he hesitating to open the door to the ward now?
Why?
Didnt he came here so he can finally break up with her officially and end everything?
Didnt he came here to rub in her face that he'll never fall victim to her 'Help me' schemes?
That he's over with her, that he doesnt want to see her anymore?
That's why he's here right? To end everything.
And since that's his only reason, and since he knew her and her "help me schemes' so well, coming to the Hopital like this didnt bother him.
If that's the case, then why is he hesitating to enter the ICU ward now?
Why?
He stood silent staring at the opaque glass windows of the ICU door. He could hear the persistent beeping of monitors from inside. He could just imagine her limp body hooked to all kind of monitors and breathing from a breathing mask. But then again, knowing her, this must be one of those stunts she's so good with.
He forced a laugh, as he pushed the intercom button. "Yes?" A deep voice echoed from the intercom.
"Yes, I'm here to visit Room 207 please."
"And you are?"
"Her Ex-fiance." He felt a thick lump in his throat as the word 'ex-fiance' came out from his mouth. Yeah, I'm her ex now. Cuz, I'm ending this thing between us. I'm done with this crap you're playing with me.
"Ok now, you may come in."
A dull click came from the ICU door and he pushed it open with a swing. If the scent of chemical fumes was heavy outside the ICU, here it was twice heavier. The loud beeping monitors and the sound of the the ventilators echoed within empty hallway. He wore a mocking smile as he greeted the nurses on the ICU front desk who returned his smile hesitantly.
What's why the grim smile? He though. These nurses must be with her too.
He kept the mocking smile on as he made his way towarrds her room, nonchalantly. And as he entered the line of rooms for the ICU patients and was able to get a quick peek inside, he felt his heart pound hard again.
Patients lay limp on their beds, with numerous tubes hanging beside their limp form, connected to bags of IV fluids.. Some had tubes connected to their throat for them to breath, some had breathing mask on. A monitor hanging from the corner side of the patients' bed contiously flashes numbers of different colors. For one particular patient, his monitor doesnt flash a number anymore, and his IV pole was free of IV bags. He doesnt have a Ventilator, or a breathing mask on, but the man was still breathing raggedly. As if he was desperate for air and couldnt breath by himself. He stopped by and took a quick peek inside.
The man's eyes were covered by a thin film and they seemed void of life. HIs mouth hung open, and you could see his tongue and oral mucosa dry. His breath smells and his skin looks so poor. One of his thin hand lay limp by the bed and on his wrist were numerous bands. One of those bands caught his attention. A ceratin Blue band with large bold letter written on it.
DNR. Short for Do not Resuscitate. 'It means that in the event the patient's condition had gotten worst or terminal, no advance procedure should be done. That he/ she would be left to die of naturally on his bed.'
"Obviously this isnt her room." He was saved from the shock by the familiar stern voice.
He choked back the heavy surge of emotions back as he turned to face her sister. "I know, I was just--"
"I'm not asking."
"Ah, yeah."
"Her room is next to this one."
"Yes. Thanks." He took his hanky from his pocket and wiped his brows.
"Are you ok? You look kinda pale."
"No, I"m ok." he forced another smile as he exit the room. He took another deep breath as he turned his heel.
"I'm just fine."
To those who are Forgiven and Forgotten
He didnt waste time stopping by the Admission's desk to ask for the room number. He had enough with stupid Girls who makes you wait for years to answer a simple question. Instead, he flipped his phone on, dialing her number while walking around inside the corridors, peeking in each rooms he passed by. It didnt took long before she picked. And as quick as she was with answering his call, was her answer.
"207, ICU" With that she hung up. Perfect. He just passed that Unit.
He turned his feet and headed back to the East Hall, following the arrow that lead to ICU. As he drew closer to the ward, the heavy scent of alcohol and chemicals began to fill his nostrils. That corridor leading to the ICU hall seemed dimmer and for some reasons it feels so sad.
Intensive Care Unit. Unit for those whose condition are in great danger.
It's meaning began to sink deep in his mind. And as it's meaning began to register in his mind, his feet began to feel heavy as lead, as his heart began to hammer loudly inside his chest. His whole body began to feel weak as he drew closer to the ward's closed doors.
This must be fear.
"207, ICU" With that she hung up. Perfect. He just passed that Unit.
He turned his feet and headed back to the East Hall, following the arrow that lead to ICU. As he drew closer to the ward, the heavy scent of alcohol and chemicals began to fill his nostrils. That corridor leading to the ICU hall seemed dimmer and for some reasons it feels so sad.
Intensive Care Unit. Unit for those whose condition are in great danger.
It's meaning began to sink deep in his mind. And as it's meaning began to register in his mind, his feet began to feel heavy as lead, as his heart began to hammer loudly inside his chest. His whole body began to feel weak as he drew closer to the ward's closed doors.
This must be fear.
Final Distance
~From the song Final Distance, in my own words~
"I want to see you but our actions pushes us a wave apart.
And again, another thousand miles grows between us.
Even though I can see the end, I'd still want the two of us to try again. I know there's no harm in trying. Even if I know that I'm not much of a hardworker, I still kept on trying.
But now, even our wounds has grown deeper with each words we throw. What happened to our hard work?
I want to be with you,because I still believe that one day we'll be able to overcome this distance. That one day we'll be together again, even though we're apart. That we'll be able to embrace this wave and bring that fleeting emotion back"
"But even though I still believe in us, I can see the end much closer. SO close, that it's eating me up. I'm afraid but we have chosen this path. It's time to say goodbye."
"I want to see you but our actions pushes us a wave apart.
And again, another thousand miles grows between us.
Even though I can see the end, I'd still want the two of us to try again. I know there's no harm in trying. Even if I know that I'm not much of a hardworker, I still kept on trying.
But now, even our wounds has grown deeper with each words we throw. What happened to our hard work?
I want to be with you,because I still believe that one day we'll be able to overcome this distance. That one day we'll be together again, even though we're apart. That we'll be able to embrace this wave and bring that fleeting emotion back"
"But even though I still believe in us, I can see the end much closer. SO close, that it's eating me up. I'm afraid but we have chosen this path. It's time to say goodbye."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
