For those who shed their tears for the late

It has been a week since he recieved that e-mail. At first, he was really suspicious about that e-mail, thinking it might be from her sister, flaming him in every way she could. From the last 16 e-mails he recieved from her sister, almost all of kinds of cusses, trash words can be read in those e-mails. To think that that woman came from such a well respected family! But to his surprise, it wasnt her sister who sent the e-mail.

It was from her.

At first it was a bit awkward, considering the matter between them, but he knew better. After all, they both came into the conclusion that their relationship would never work. His work eats more of his time, her distance, and the rumors of her cheating. Although she never cleared it, it was one of the factors that led to the end of a 5 1/2 years of their relationship. Such a waste.

Her e-mail was nothing new. Looks like she's back in the hospital again for a flu. As always, her health was as frail as ever. And that she might be staying in the hospital for a little bit longer. That she was hoping he could visit her whenever he's not busy. Another reason why he cant stay with her. Such frail health is considered bad for a business. Plus the expenses the hospital bills make...

Clicking his PDA on, he found the hospital's name. Turns out she's admitted in the same hospital his new date is working for.He began to wonder if by any chance, Claire, his new girl would be her doctor. That'll be really weird. Seriously.

Wait. Why am I here again?

He clicked his PDA again. His wallpaper was the picture of him and Claire eating a tail of lobster. She really looked cute inn that picture, that's why he made it his wallpaper. He clicked his PDA again, scrolling down to the MEDIA section. There, he found an old picture of her. Smiling that really cute smile of hers. A smile he cannot simply forget even though he already found someone new.

Argh. Stupid! You're here for Claire. Not for her. It just so happens that she's in the same hospital where Claire works. That's all there is to it. It's not a big deal.

Right?

He clicked Claire's number and left a message, before entering the hospital's lobby. As always, she'll make him wait at the lobby for an hour...AGAIN. But that's ok. The receptionists are really cute and fun. They keep him preoccupied everytime he comes over. But now...

"Hi. Remember me?" Flashing a smile at the receptionist, he gathered his guts for the next question he'll be throwing.

"Oh. You're Dr. Claire's boyfriend right? Do you want me to page her?"

"Ah, no. That's ok. I already left her a message." He could feel his heart beat racing faster. This is it.

"Ok then. Is there anything we could get you while waiting?"

"Ah. Actually, I wanna know if Kaerie Cain is still here."

"Is she a patient?"

"Yeah."

"One moment please."

"Sure."

"Yes. She's still here. Are you a family?"

"Yeah. What's her room number?"

"207 ICU. Anything else?"

"Ah. Do you know how long has she been here?"

"Oh. I'm sorry, I cant give you that information. You could ask her doctor, if not her nurse when you get to the ICU."

"Ah. I see. Thanks then." He didnt wait for the receptionist's reply. He turned his heel and headed for the ICU.

ICU. Intensive Care Unit.

What the hell is she doing in ICU?

He felt a wave of anxiety as he made a turn towards a dead silenced corridor. The pungent scent of alcohol and medicine began to fill his nostrils as he continued walking. The atmosphere seems grim and tense, as the scent became stronger. According to the directions on the wall, the ICU should be at the end of this corridor. Why the hell is the atmosphere here so gloomy? And why is the ICU locatd at a such grimmy corner?

A small sign on the wall told him that the door he's facing right now is the way to the ICU. Another sign told him that he has to call the ICU nurses before he could enter.

Sigh.

What the heck is he doing here again?

While his brain raked his mind of a reason, a familiar figure exited the ICU. It was her sister. And she was crying. Crying as if...

He wanted to grab her, and ask her why the heck is she crying, but that weird feeling growing inside him held him off, as he unconsciously dialed the ICU number on the intercom. He wasnt aware of his own actions, until he heard the door click open, and the overwhelming scent of heavy medicine and alcohol snapped him back to reality.

This is the first time he felt this kind of uncertainty as he entered the ICU hall. He could hear the mechanical ventilators of the patients puffing, or their ragged breathing as the machines beeped life on their limp bodies. He saw all the machines, cables, tubing, and wires one patient was hooked on to. He saw how one patient limply laid on the bed, without any machine hooked on him. And around him, were his family. Crying, as if it was his time to go.

She couldnt be like that?

Even though she was always sick, there's no way she could be as sick as these people here...

There's no way.

There's got to be a mistake..She cant be here...

"Sir, you're looking for room 207 right? It's over here."

The nurse opened the door to the last room at the end of the corridor. WIthout even waiting for a response, she flicked the lights on, revealing the occupant's state.

He wanted to yell at the nurse for telling him that. Because obviously, room 207 cant be here. She cant be...

But the moment his eyes laid on the occupant's face, his voice disappeared into the void. The overwhelming feeling inside him suddenly bursts open, stealing away his strenght. He could feel his whole body shaking, as he approach the bed. And somehow, each step he takes sucks out all the reason in his head.

"No..."

Laying on the pale sea of sheets, was the woman he has loved for more than he could ever count. Her once flowing jet black mane is now but a dry, flaky mess. Her skin seemed paler than before, so pale that he could see the web of veins flowing under. And the face he always adored...is now a picture of a lifeless mask. Her beautiful eyes, are nothing but sunken rounds, and her young skin reduced to lines. Against the plastic ventilator mask, he could see her chapped lips, and her nostrils flaring as she despairs for a breath.

The rise and fall of her chest, following the steady rhythm of the ventilator behind her, as the monitoring machines continued to beep, mocking him of his crime. IV poles with numerous tubes dangling from those IV bags continued to her thin arms. Patches of bruises and bandages decorated her exposed arms, as another set of tubes flows under her bed, connected to the bags hanging under the bed.

Above her head, was a small sign saying DNR.

Do not resuscitate. Meaning...in the event the patients enters a state of any cardiorespiratory depression, no attempts of resuscitation shall be admimistered. In short. She is left to die.

His mind began to spin in spiral colors as his legs crumbled down. He could feel his tears rolling down his face, like waterfalls. His chest feels so heavy, so painful, he couldnt breath. Suffocating both his body and his heart. He could only touch her cold hands, hoping it could transfer some of his warmth to her. He wanted to embrac her so tight, but, he was too afraid that he might break her. He wanted to wake her up, to check that she's still alive, but he was to scared. He wanted to pick her up, and take her away from this cruel place, but...

He's too weak...too pathetically weak...

"So you finally decided to visit huh?" It was her sister.

"You asshole. All that matters to you is your friggin' job. You didnt even bother about her health. What? You think this just happened after you two broke up? Fuck that! She broke up with you cuz she realize her cancer has reached it's final state! That all those fucked up therapies didnt do her any good! That she was afraid she couldnt keep it a secret anymore! And you didnt even noticed a single thing, you bastard!"

He couldnt say anything. What she was saying was true. Everything was true. There's no point in denying the truth.

"But even though she knew how much of a dickhead you are, she still loved you. She skipped most of her chemos just to be with you. She was hesitating to take chemo because she was afraid she might lose her hair, and it might blow her secret. That dumb fool. And in the end, all she wanted was to see your sorry ass...I dont get it. Why...Why did she choose you? You sorry piece of shit..."

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He could only chant those words of forgiveness, hoping that they could reach her. That somehow, it could open her eyes, and cure her of this sickness...That it could ---

"We already decided...if her condition does not improve,we will take her off life support. " With that, he heard her footstep fade away into silence. Leaving him alone in his despair. In his pain. In this sea of suffering...

"Please...stop...crying..." He felt her hand tighten against his. And that cute smile of hers, radiating against the mask. "It's not...your fault..."

Empty of words, he could only bury his face in the small palm he loved so much...

I'm so sorry...