~Crimson Sanctuary~

To those who shed the tears for the late

2008-02-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

'I'm really really happy...seeing you here...'

The cold touch of her frail hand caressing his cheek was like a lash of whip on his heart. Seeing her like this, reduced to nothing by a vegetable, waiting for her time. That ever smiling woman he loved, is now facing the threshold of her end, yet all she cares about is making him stop cry. Instead of worrying about herself, about death...

'Crying...doesnt suit you...I prefer...seeing you with that arrogant smile...'

But how the hell can he smile? She's dying for heaven's sake! How can she expect him to smile when he cant even utter a single word? When everything inside him is raging with pain and guilt, gnawing at his pride. How can she be so selfish?

'Seriously...I was happy that they....finally took that annoying vent machine off...and they had those monitoring stuff silenced...but here you are...bawling like an infant...'

He wanted to stop crying. He wanted to show her he's tough. But he cant. These tears kept on rolling down, his voice stolen by his guilt. He's so pathetic...

Her grip on his hand tightened, as that cute smile of hers appeared. 'Please, dont cry...you'll just make it harder for me...'

"I cant..."

'It's not your fault...I chose this...it was never your fault...'

"But--"

'During those times we were together, even though we were fighting, I was still happy. Because, you were the first person to accept me as who I am. Not as the daughter of some rich guy, or some crap. You made me feel alive. You were the reason I was living. And now, it feels like I can die in peace...'

"You cant die! You cant! There's so many things we need to talk about! And things we need to do! And, and...there's still so much more to do ...I cant live without you...."

'You can...And you wont be alone.... I'm going to be up in the sky...watching over you...just like...Tenshi...our dog...'

"That's not the same... its not the same! I want you here beside me. Here! I dont want to be away from you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! So please...stop talking like that... Please..."

'I love you too...so much...'

ooooOOOOoooo

Her life finally ceased after a week. Two days after his first visit, she succumbed into a comatose state. Claire explained to him that there will be changes in her body around this time, and he will be able to tell when the time is near. Especially when her breathing would turn ragged and would pause for a long moment. Those times would be the most painful to bear. The doctor said she would be leaving anytime soon, but somehow she lasted through the week. She passed away around 1 AM. He was there beside her as her labored breathing finally ceased and the glimmer of life extiguished from her eyes. He held her hand through out tha night, even after Claire and her attending physicians declared her dead. Her sister, Cael was present at that time too. She stood there, quietly waiting for the last breath. Everytime she's in the room, she would have this stoic look in her face, as if she was watching some stranger die. But every time her breath would pause, Cael would leave the room and head out to the waiting room. There, her cries of grief echoing within the four corners of the room would burst out. She did that at least 5 times. Amazing how Cael can be so full of control.

Her funeral was held a day after. It was held in the family summer house, her favorite place. They plan to bury her by the lagoon at the back of the summer house, where other family relatives were buried. But for her case, they erected a special Memorial stone for her made out of marble, courtesy of the people she helped back in college. There were a lot of people who came, most of were their common friends, and people she helped during those outreach programs she sponsored. Her family, known for their mundane sense of perfection, shattered into pieces of grief and sorrow as they mourned. It was only her sister who didnt broke into tears, during the funeral. It was amazing that she was able to keep a straight face during the eulogy, considering the fact that she was the closes to her. It seems she had cried all the tears she could that night, with only dark holes to prove the existence of her grief.

"I'm sure, where ever she is right now--" He couldnt bear to hear Claire talk about her. He broke up with Claire on the very same day her found out of her condition. Claire, a usual didnt even batt an eyelash when he told her about Kaerie. Instead, she assigned herself to the case. And during those painful ordeals, Claire stood by him quietly comforting his tears. She was patient enough to accept all his anger and guilt as he lashes out. All those times, she was there...beside him...

As for him, he couldnt bear himself to enter the Summer House. he was afraid that he'll break down again. Or throw up. He hasnt been eating for the past few days, and lately he would throw up out of nowhere. Claire would give him some juice or snacks everynow and then, but he couldnt keep it in. It's like his body doesnt want to live anymore. He completely ignored his hygiene during that week too. If it wasnt for Cael splashing a sup of juice on his face, Claire wouldnt have been able to convince him to take at least a shower, if not a bath. Haggard and exhausted, too tired and empty, he stood outside the Summer House's gates mourning.

'Mister...why are you standing here?' It was a girl, pulling at his sleeve. He wanted to push the girl away but, somehow he cant. Somehow...

'Say mister, my friend wants to talk to you...she said she wants to say good bye...' He didnt respond. He just allowed himself to be dragged by the little girl to where ever hell she wants to take him to.

'Mister..we're here.' He didnt want to look. But the familiar barking of a dog made him change his mind. The familiar reddish brown and white coat of a Malamute barking at him, by the lagoon. And beside the malamute was...

"Kaerie"

'You seriously look pathetic. Cael was right.' Her giggle seems so alive. So real...

'Tenshi and I wanted to say our last good bye to you. I really felt bad leaving without saying any goodbye to you, so I asked if I could get a chance to talk to you one last time.'

"Kaerie...kaerie...Kaerie..."With out any hesitation, he threw his arms around her, enveloping her in his tight embrace. Bursting into tears, while chanting her name...

'You look silly. It's not like you.'

"I dont care. I just want to be beside you."

'I cant. But someone can.'

" I dont need anyone else but you..."

'You'll be able to come into terms with everything. You'll be able to move on. And you wont be alone. She'll be right by your side, ready to catch you.'

"I want Kaerie, no one else."

'Geez. You're more of a whiner that Cael. Cael said the same thing. But you know better. I cant stay. But I trust you'll make the right decision. Dont make her cry ok?'

"Ms. Kaerie, it's almost time." The little girl appeared again, tugging at her sleeve, while playing with Tenshi, the malamute.

She gave him a peck on the cheek as she wiped his tears. 'You havent said a word to Tenshi. She really missed you a lot y'know.'

A smile was forced as he bent down to pet the malamute. "Looks like they're feeding you more than usual. You've gotten fatter and heavier the last time."

The dog barked as it began licking his tears. "I miss you a lot buddy~"

"It's time..."

'Well now, Good Bye...'

oooOOooo

He found himself laying in the hospital bed. Turns out he fainted during the lowering of the casket. Apparently out of exhaustion and dehydration. According to the doctor, he has been out for 2 days, and that his girlfriend patiently waited till he opens his eyes.

Girl friend? Kaerie?

No...

Claire...

For those who shed their tears for the late

2008-02-27T01:37:00.000-08:00

It has been a week since he recieved that e-mail. At first, he was really suspicious about that e-mail, thinking it might be from her sister, flaming him in every way she could. From the last 16 e-mails he recieved from her sister, almost all of kinds of cusses, trash words can be read in those e-mails. To think that that woman came from such a well respected family! But to his surprise, it wasnt her sister who sent the e-mail.

It was from her.

At first it was a bit awkward, considering the matter between them, but he knew better. After all, they both came into the conclusion that their relationship would never work. His work eats more of his time, her distance, and the rumors of her cheating. Although she never cleared it, it was one of the factors that led to the end of a 5 1/2 years of their relationship. Such a waste.

Her e-mail was nothing new. Looks like she's back in the hospital again for a flu. As always, her health was as frail as ever. And that she might be staying in the hospital for a little bit longer. That she was hoping he could visit her whenever he's not busy. Another reason why he cant stay with her. Such frail health is considered bad for a business. Plus the expenses the hospital bills make...

Clicking his PDA on, he found the hospital's name. Turns out she's admitted in the same hospital his new date is working for.He began to wonder if by any chance, Claire, his new girl would be her doctor. That'll be really weird. Seriously.

Wait. Why am I here again?

He clicked his PDA again. His wallpaper was the picture of him and Claire eating a tail of lobster. She really looked cute inn that picture, that's why he made it his wallpaper. He clicked his PDA again, scrolling down to the MEDIA section. There, he found an old picture of her. Smiling that really cute smile of hers. A smile he cannot simply forget even though he already found someone new.

Argh. Stupid! You're here for Claire. Not for her. It just so happens that she's in the same hospital where Claire works. That's all there is to it. It's not a big deal.

Right?

He clicked Claire's number and left a message, before entering the hospital's lobby. As always, she'll make him wait at the lobby for an hour...AGAIN. But that's ok. The receptionists are really cute and fun. They keep him preoccupied everytime he comes over. But now...

"Hi. Remember me?" Flashing a smile at the receptionist, he gathered his guts for the next question he'll be throwing.

"Oh. You're Dr. Claire's boyfriend right? Do you want me to page her?"

"Ah, no. That's ok. I already left her a message." He could feel his heart beat racing faster. This is it.

"Ok then. Is there anything we could get you while waiting?"

"Ah. Actually, I wanna know if Kaerie Cain is still here."

"Is she a patient?"

"Yeah."

"One moment please."

"Sure."

"Yes. She's still here. Are you a family?"

"Yeah. What's her room number?"

"207 ICU. Anything else?"

"Ah. Do you know how long has she been here?"

"Oh. I'm sorry, I cant give you that information. You could ask her doctor, if not her nurse when you get to the ICU."

"Ah. I see. Thanks then." He didnt wait for the receptionist's reply. He turned his heel and headed for the ICU.

ICU. Intensive Care Unit.

What the hell is she doing in ICU?

He felt a wave of anxiety as he made a turn towards a dead silenced corridor. The pungent scent of alcohol and medicine began to fill his nostrils as he continued walking. The atmosphere seems grim and tense, as the scent became stronger. According to the directions on the wall, the ICU should be at the end of this corridor. Why the hell is the atmosphere here so gloomy? And why is the ICU locatd at a such grimmy corner?

A small sign on the wall told him that the door he's facing right now is the way to the ICU. Another sign told him that he has to call the ICU nurses before he could enter.

Sigh.

What the heck is he doing here again?

While his brain raked his mind of a reason, a familiar figure exited the ICU. It was her sister. And she was crying. Crying as if...

He wanted to grab her, and ask her why the heck is she crying, but that weird feeling growing inside him held him off, as he unconsciously dialed the ICU number on the intercom. He wasnt aware of his own actions, until he heard the door click open, and the overwhelming scent of heavy medicine and alcohol snapped him back to reality.

This is the first time he felt this kind of uncertainty as he entered the ICU hall. He could hear the mechanical ventilators of the patients puffing, or their ragged breathing as the machines beeped life on their limp bodies. He saw all the machines, cables, tubing, and wires one patient was hooked on to. He saw how one patient limply laid on the bed, without any machine hooked on him. And around him, were his family. Crying, as if it was his time to go.

She couldnt be like that?

Even though she was always sick, there's no way she could be as sick as these people here...

There's no way.

There's got to be a mistake..She cant be here...

"Sir, you're looking for room 207 right? It's over here."

The nurse opened the door to the last room at the end of the corridor. WIthout even waiting for a response, she flicked the lights on, revealing the occupant's state.

He wanted to yell at the nurse for telling him that. Because obviously, room 207 cant be here. She cant be...

But the moment his eyes laid on the occupant's face, his voice disappeared into the void. The overwhelming feeling inside him suddenly bursts open, stealing away his strenght. He could feel his whole body shaking, as he approach the bed. And somehow, each step he takes sucks out all the reason in his head.

"No..."

Laying on the pale sea of sheets, was the woman he has loved for more than he could ever count. Her once flowing jet black mane is now but a dry, flaky mess. Her skin seemed paler than before, so pale that he could see the web of veins flowing under. And the face he always adored...is now a picture of a lifeless mask. Her beautiful eyes, are nothing but sunken rounds, and her young skin reduced to lines. Against the plastic ventilator mask, he could see her chapped lips, and her nostrils flaring as she despairs for a breath.

The rise and fall of her chest, following the steady rhythm of the ventilator behind her, as the monitoring machines continued to beep, mocking him of his crime. IV poles with numerous tubes dangling from those IV bags continued to her thin arms. Patches of bruises and bandages decorated her exposed arms, as another set of tubes flows under her bed, connected to the bags hanging under the bed.

Above her head, was a small sign saying DNR.

Do not resuscitate. Meaning...in the event the patients enters a state of any cardiorespiratory depression, no attempts of resuscitation shall be admimistered. In short. She is left to die.

His mind began to spin in spiral colors as his legs crumbled down. He could feel his tears rolling down his face, like waterfalls. His chest feels so heavy, so painful, he couldnt breath. Suffocating both his body and his heart. He could only touch her cold hands, hoping it could transfer some of his warmth to her. He wanted to embrac her so tight, but, he was too afraid that he might break her. He wanted to wake her up, to check that she's still alive, but he was to scared. He wanted to pick her up, and take her away from this cruel place, but...

He's too weak...too pathetically weak...

"So you finally decided to visit huh?" It was her sister.

"You asshole. All that matters to you is your friggin' job. You didnt even bother about her health. What? You think this just happened after you two broke up? Fuck that! She broke up with you cuz she realize her cancer has reached it's final state! That all those fucked up therapies didnt do her any good! That she was afraid she couldnt keep it a secret anymore! And you didnt even noticed a single thing, you bastard!"

He couldnt say anything. What she was saying was true. Everything was true. There's no point in denying the truth.

"But even though she knew how much of a dickhead you are, she still loved you. She skipped most of her chemos just to be with you. She was hesitating to take chemo because she was afraid she might lose her hair, and it might blow her secret. That dumb fool. And in the end, all she wanted was to see your sorry ass...I dont get it. Why...Why did she choose you? You sorry piece of shit..."

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He could only chant those words of forgiveness, hoping that they could reach her. That somehow, it could open her eyes, and cure her of this sickness...That it could ---

"We already decided...if her condition does not improve,we will take her off life support. " With that, he heard her footstep fade away into silence. Leaving him alone in his despair. In his pain. In this sea of suffering...

"Please...stop...crying..." He felt her hand tighten against his. And that cute smile of hers, radiating against the mask. "It's not...your fault..."

Empty of words, he could only bury his face in the small palm he loved so much...

I'm so sorry...

Fade Me

2008-02-23T18:19:00.000-08:00

Watching the endless pitter patter of the rain as night falls silently across the moving city, I watch in feigned innocence as my soul shatters into pieces. An unnerving chill rushes through my veins, numbing my heavy heart, as I took another gush of life into my empty shell.

Another minute of senseless existance has added itself into the long line. Another minute wasted, as this pitiful shell of mine continues to exists.

Why does Death wishes to have this feigned soul to exist longer?

I exist for the reason of nothing; I exist for the reson of burden; I exist as a reason for pain. I am merely a thorn in the paths of those who surrounds me. Nothing else.

I lost the reason to know happiness; I have nothing to bargain Love for; I am nothing but an existance of emptiness. Another useless trash existing in this world.

I have no use, I have no sense. I exist in those around me as an illusion ready to fade and disappear by a ripple's command.

Cast me.

Exile me.

Abandon me.

Banish me.

Kill me.

Drown me in my tears.

I have no meaning, I have no worth.

Allow me to cease my existance. I am tired of living this false happiness. It'll only bring pain and suffering. Allow my mind and soul to break in the silent darkness. I do not want to feel anymore false warmth or happiness. Let pure sorrow and pain swallow my remaining heart, as the mask of feigned smile hides my torture soul.

Let this sinner fade away, oh glorious Death.

Let oblivion swallow my existance.

Let infinite darkness erase the memories I hold.

Let the bitter cold swallow my life.

Grant me this plea...

Abandoned laughter

2008-02-23T02:11:00.000-08:00

Laying naked against the cold embrace of the white snow, wondering if someone out there would hear her tears. Patches of bruises against her porcelain skin, scratches on her tear stained face. With empty eyes, she stared back at the mocking starless night, waiting for Death.

Her body shivering against the cold, limbs robbed of their strenght, she patiently hoping for her life to cease.

Life has brought nothing but pain and suffering.

Dignity lives no more in this soul's heart, as it was robbed years back after her was ruthlessly massacred in front of her innocent eyes. Stripped from the comfort and thrown into the darkness in one Spring night. From a day of laughter, turns years of fear and pain.

She grew only knew how to satisfy the lusts of those filthy men who ravaged her bruised body day and night. The same men who robbed her of her family and comfort. And now, the very same men who had cast her away in the bitter cold of the night.

Why have they not just slash her throat and empty her blood into the ground like what they would usually do to their captives? Why let her go through such cold torture? Why not just end her life then and there.

Why?

Another drop of tear rolls down her bruised cheek. The numbing cold has finally conquered her body, as it began to weigh against her consciousness. Her mind, hazy with empty thoughts and memories of the past began to numb away. Her eyes, slowly losing the light of life...

'Hang in there...' A voice radiating with warmth beckoning to her.

Why save such pitiful stranger? I am nothing but a trash...

'I finally found you...after so long...'

Who...are you?

'I heard about what happened to your family two years ago. My father sent his men after the bandits but they lost track of them...'

Are you what they call...Angel?

'I denounced my title and vowed to look for you. You meant so much to me, that no matter how much stained or tainted you are now...'

Why?

'You accepted me for me...and now...It's my turn to accept you as who you are...'

Promises of the Azure Skies

2008-02-18T21:38:00.000-08:00

"Next time, I'll be able to show you the world outside the city. Till then...take care."

Those were his last words to her. He couldnt bring himself to say goodbye to her, fearing that it might be his last. Inside, he wanted to believe that he'll be able to see her again. That after all this fighting is over, he'll be able to stay by her side and watch the clouds float in the azure skies. But as he lay there helplessly waiting for Death's verdict, he felt the fangs of regret and hurt settling inside his heart. There were so many things we wanted to say to her, so many things he wanted to show her, so many things he wanted to do with her...

Now...

They're nothing but lost promises and hopes.

Just like the hopes and dreams that were lost along with the lives of the men who lay along side him, lifeless.

The gray clouds began to cover the once blue heavens. He could hear the distant rumbling of thunder, and the faint flashes of lightning, along with the threats of the looming storm.

No. Please Let it not rain. Please. Let me see the azure skies, at least once more...

But the heavens pay no heed to his pleas, as soft drops of rain began to touch his face. Softly, slowly, it began to fall. Washing away the crimson stain the senseless fighting has brought upon the lands. Washing away all the dirt the humans had cast upon these barren lands. And...

Washing away his tears...

The skies continued to rumble, as so the rain. He wondered if would still survive the rain, or will he pass away during the rain fall. He wondered if he's going to die of bleeding, or of hypothermia. He wondered...

Is she seeing the same skies as he is?

No. Please, at least let her have a serene azure skies. She gets sick easily when it rains, that's why she had to move in that walled city, at the price of her freedom.

The same freedom he promised to her.

Despite the rain falling down his face, he could feel his own tears rolling down his cheeks. He must be looking so pitiful. Or in her eyes, funny.

Come to think of it, she always laugh at him during his most serious times. Even when he's mad, or irritated, she would smile, and ease that emotion away. Then laugh. And he too would start laughing. She has this infectious laughter that can soothe away his most negative emotions like they were nothing.

Goddamnit.

Reaching for the skies with his blood stained hand, he wished the heavens will grant him his last wish.

Let her have an azure sky...let her see the skies she loved the most...

A faint smile formed on his lips, as the rain slowly stopped. Tiny rays of sun began searing through the gray sky, as if it was showing him the way...

The way to the ever eternal Azure skies.

"Look! It raining but the skies arent that clouded." Just hearing the word 'rain made her stop in her tracks. But how strange. It doesnt look that dark and gloomy outside.

"It is" She smiled. The sun was still shining and the skies were still glittering in it's beautiful azure hue. Clasping her hands in a prayer, she uttered a small wish.

'May the azure skies always be wherever he is...'

"Hey! That dude you're dating...He hates the rain too right, or was it the thunder?"

She smiled shyly. "Although he's a soldier...he's actually scared of the thunder. But, that what's makes him human right? He accepts the fact that he is scared of something!"

"Yeah yeah...whatever..he's still a wimp if he's scared of the thunder. Anyways, what do you think he'll bring when he gets back? "

She felt a sting in her heart, as she heard the words 'gets back'. And somehow, tears began to pool in her eyes, as she struggled for an answer. She felt this weird pain tugging in her heart, as she opened her mouth in reply.

"The eternal Azure sky."

"

Again under the Winter Skies

2008-02-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

The muffled screams of help ringing from a far awakened his consciousness, as the strong scent of burning flesh and the metallic taste of blood filled his senses. Slowly opening his eyes, as he struggled to move his weak body, to venture the source of such disturbance. At first, everything was white and blurry. Then, as he squinted his eyes for clarity, blurry figures began to appear. He could now tell, that there was a fire burning behind the blurred figures. As his vision improved, his horror and anger intensified.

The blurred figures, turned out to be two the rogue bandits who had been terrorizing the villages, setting them on fire while raping its women and killing its men.

And now such fate beholds the familiar figure lying helplessly on the crimson stained snow. Her blonde hair, like spilled ray of sunshine was stained with blood, as the rest of her ever immaculate white robes. Her beautiful face was a picture of pain and suffering but---

"Now tell us! Where can we find that goblin tengu?"
"You...can take my life..."
"Bitch!Tell us! Or we'll burn you alive!"

"I' rather...die than have him....suffer." Despite the horrendous fatal wounds she had, and the unimaginable pain she's going through...she was still...smiling.

He wanted to rush by her side and swoop her away to safety. He wanted to crush the skulls of these worthless lowlifes, and leave their rotting cadavers for the wolves and crows to feast on.

But--

His glorious black wings are bounded in a sealed cherry tree. He has no choice but watch in mute terror while the one he had treasured amongst all expire in the most horrendous way. He could only watch...helplessly...

The bandits saw her pure innocent smile, and thought she was taunting them. His eyes widened in pure anger and pain, as he watched in such still time, his beloved's head roll down the snow capped ground. Her crimson blood, pouring out of her lifeless body began to dye the ground in red. Unsatisfied, the bandits took her decapitated head and impaled it unto a rusty sword, while her body was thrown to the burning village.

Overwhelming pain, anger, and hatred began to rage inside him, ravaging his consciouness and senses. It was giving him enough power to break free. But---

"When we meet each other again, I hope it will be a Spring's season..."

Hearing her voice from a memory soothe his raging anger, numbing his pain. And as her distant voice faded away, his nulled senses began to succumbed into an eternity's sleep, with a heart believing in a promise.

Winter Sky Promise

2007-11-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

The bells of war had finally calmed down, as finally a victor emerged from the crimson laced battlefield. With snow gently falling down from the serene gray skies of winter, the man stood up, dragging his blood stained sword behind him. And even though the battles had long ended, the cries of war still vividly rings inside his ears as the play of swords came to view inside his mind. With each step he makes, the war would replay itself again, over and over again. But such sight didnt bothered him. Nor the taunting distorted faces of the men he slew, or the dismembered bodies of his comrades that lay down on his feet. Not even the mocking white frost on his bloodstained armor, or the biting pain on his side. Not a single one of them.

As he walked pass by the scattered remains of the warriors from both sides, another memory from before began playing inside his mind. The night of her land was slaughtered. The same land he vowed to protect with all his life. The same land that was once flourishing with life, vibrating with serenity. but now, it was nothing but a barren wasteland. A graveyard for all the innocent souls who perished that night. Those poor souls who suffered in his stead.

If only he did not let his emotions betray his judgement, those people, would be still....

Alive.

Alive and breathing just like him. Not cold and decaying under the charred remains of the ruins of their beloved village. They shouldnt be...

A stray piece of shield caught his foot, sending his rolling down the corpse strewn hill. He was back from where he started.

Lying in a pool of blood and corpses.

He tried to stand up, but the gnawing pain from his side forced him down. He tried again, but with same results. It seemed his body just wants him to lay here, along with his comrades. To watch the Winter sky shed theirf frozen tears for him as he lay there waiting for his Shinigami.

He wondered as the cold began creeping to his lower extremities, if the same shinigami that took her life would come and take his. He was thinking if he cold strike a bargain with that shinigami so that he could ask it to take him to where she is. He's not gonna stay to whatever place she's in of course, he just want to talk to her.

What would you say to her?

"I"m sorry. I'm sorry for not betraying your trust."

Is that all?

"No, I want to thank her the most. She gave me so much, so selfishly, to someone who did not deserve a single drop what she so wholeheartedly gave me. She deserved someone else, yet she continued on believing in me."

Why do you say that?

"I rebuked her feelings, because I was afraid that I'll just hurt her more. And the fact that I was still in love with her sister, and the rage of vengeance inside my heart and mind, I am simply not worthy of her..."

Yet she believed in you right?

"Yes. And I betrayed that trust."

What makes you think you betrayed her trust?

" I caused her so much pain and suffering. I took forgranted her feelings and watched her sold herself to that filthy warlord. I sent her beloved land to hell, and lead her army to their end."

Did anyone blamed you for that? Did anyone pointed a finger at you and accused you of their murder?

"No one did..."

Then why claim such harsh pretenses?

"Because I knew my sins, I dont deserve this life, yet I'm still breathing..."

These people gave their live protecting you, yet you choose to waste their sacrifice?

"I did not deserve this life their giving me..."

Everyone has a right to live...

"I am not one of that 'everyone'..." He closed his eyes, as a warm drop of tear began it journey down his cold cheek. His pale lips felt so cold, and his whole body feels so numb and heavy. Although his mind was getting blurry, he could still see clearly.

Clear enough to see who was kneeling beside him.

Her long dark hair fluttering against the cold winter winds, as the light pecks of snow flakes covered her head. Wearing the same lilac and white cherry blossom kimono she favored so much. Her bright sun gold eyes vibrating with life stared down his, filled with questions yet remained silent with answers. He tried to lift his arm to caress her face, but he was too weak to move. She smiled, as she picked up his near frozen arm and held it close to her warm cheek. With such a simple and gentle act, he felt that same familiar warmth embrace his body, filling his cold senses. Life began to ring loudly in his ears, as her apparition began to fade.

"Live...and find me..."

Those were the words were enough for him to stand up to his feet, struggling fiercely against the blinding pain on his side. He took of his armor and ripped a hem of his suit and tied it across his gaping wound. The pain was slightly quelled as he strapped back his armor on.

Taking a deep breath, he began climbing the hill again with much vigor and enthusiasm.

How can he forget that promise?

The same promise that fueled his fight for life...that same promise that kept him alive...

To those who are forgiven and forgotten, part 3

2007-11-04T21:20:00.000-08:00

The moment he caught the sight of her from the open door of her room, all his emotions just gave way. He didnt knew when he started crying or why did he run towards her.

All he knew was that he suddenly had this overwhelming urge to pick her up from her bed and embrace her as tight as he could. But he cant.

He just cant.

With all the IV lines connected to her limp and bruised arms. With that breathing mask covering half of her face. With that painfully frail body lying on those white sheets. He just cant pick her up and embrace her anymore.

He watched in muted horror as her chest rise and fall in slow shaky rhythm, in tune with the ventilator machine by her side. All he could do was pick up her cold and skinny hand and kiss it. He couldnt even squeeze it tight because of the fear he might break her bones. He Broke down by her bed, sobbing her name continously, while begging for forgiveness.

"Oh Gawd, Gawd...I'm sorry, I"m sorry....I...I... Oh Gawd, I'm so sorry."

"I wish she could hear you." Her sister was there, watching him make a fool of himself. But then again, he was a fool. A fool for not believing about her illness. He buried his shameful face into her cold hand, hoping it could send her his message.

"...Babe?" A hoarse and dry voice silenced the two. All held their breaths as she weakly opened her eyes and smiled weakly at her 'fiance'.

"...I...Missed...you..." She tried to squeeze his hand, but she just cant. She smiled again, as she lift her other skinny arm to wave at her sister who was crying so hard.

"...I'm sorry...I made...you guys worried..." She tried to sit up, with the help of her weak arm, but instead, she began coughing. She lift off her breathing mask to cover her mouth, but her weak arm just doesnt have the strenght.

Blood spattered at her breathing mask, and as she continued coughing, her sister ran towards the Nurse's desk for help. Helpless and scared, grabbed his hankerchief and wiped the blood from her face and her mask. Then he embraced her tight.

"Please, dont push your self to hard." He kissed her forehead, and buried his face in her hair. her hair has lost all the life and luster it once had. All what's left was the dry strands and flakes from not being washed properly.

"Dont push yourself too much, baby, please..."

"Uhm...I'm sorry....but...can you..please let go off me?"

"Huh?"

"Do I know you?"

************

"Her condition has worsened as we had predicted. As her the condition progresses, her memories will continue to deteriorate, just what had jsut happened. Not only that, her system will one by one collapse, and once that happens, you'll know. Also, we'll need your consent as to whether we will be doing advance directives on her or leave her DNR."

He stood up quietly. He cant stand listening to this conversation anymore.

To those who are forgiven and forgotten Part 2

2007-11-04T20:36:00.000-08:00

Why is he now hesitating?

Wasnt he so hot to see just now?

And now that he knew where she was, why is he hesitating?

Why is he hesitating to open the door to the ward now?

Why?

Didnt he came here so he can finally break up with her officially and end everything?

Didnt he came here to rub in her face that he'll never fall victim to her 'Help me' schemes?

That he's over with her, that he doesnt want to see her anymore?

That's why he's here right? To end everything.

And since that's his only reason, and since he knew her and her "help me schemes' so well, coming to the Hopital like this didnt bother him.

If that's the case, then why is he hesitating to enter the ICU ward now?

Why?

He stood silent staring at the opaque glass windows of the ICU door. He could hear the persistent beeping of monitors from inside. He could just imagine her limp body hooked to all kind of monitors and breathing from a breathing mask. But then again, knowing her, this must be one of those stunts she's so good with.

He forced a laugh, as he pushed the intercom button. "Yes?" A deep voice echoed from the intercom.

"Yes, I'm here to visit Room 207 please."

"And you are?"

"Her Ex-fiance." He felt a thick lump in his throat as the word 'ex-fiance' came out from his mouth. Yeah, I'm her ex now. Cuz, I'm ending this thing between us. I'm done with this crap you're playing with me.

"Ok now, you may come in."

A dull click came from the ICU door and he pushed it open with a swing. If the scent of chemical fumes was heavy outside the ICU, here it was twice heavier. The loud beeping monitors and the sound of the the ventilators echoed within empty hallway. He wore a mocking smile as he greeted the nurses on the ICU front desk who returned his smile hesitantly.

What's why the grim smile? He though. These nurses must be with her too.

He kept the mocking smile on as he made his way towarrds her room, nonchalantly. And as he entered the line of rooms for the ICU patients and was able to get a quick peek inside, he felt his heart pound hard again.

Patients lay limp on their beds, with numerous tubes hanging beside their limp form, connected to bags of IV fluids.. Some had tubes connected to their throat for them to breath, some had breathing mask on. A monitor hanging from the corner side of the patients' bed contiously flashes numbers of different colors. For one particular patient, his monitor doesnt flash a number anymore, and his IV pole was free of IV bags. He doesnt have a Ventilator, or a breathing mask on, but the man was still breathing raggedly. As if he was desperate for air and couldnt breath by himself. He stopped by and took a quick peek inside.

The man's eyes were covered by a thin film and they seemed void of life. HIs mouth hung open, and you could see his tongue and oral mucosa dry. His breath smells and his skin looks so poor. One of his thin hand lay limp by the bed and on his wrist were numerous bands. One of those bands caught his attention. A ceratin Blue band with large bold letter written on it.

DNR. Short for Do not Resuscitate. 'It means that in the event the patient's condition had gotten worst or terminal, no advance procedure should be done. That he/ she would be left to die of naturally on his bed.'

"Obviously this isnt her room." He was saved from the shock by the familiar stern voice.

He choked back the heavy surge of emotions back as he turned to face her sister. "I know, I was just--"

"I'm not asking."

"Ah, yeah."

"Her room is next to this one."

"Yes. Thanks." He took his hanky from his pocket and wiped his brows.

"Are you ok? You look kinda pale."

"No, I"m ok." he forced another smile as he exit the room. He took another deep breath as he turned his heel.

"I'm just fine."

To those who are Forgiven and Forgotten

2007-11-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

He didnt waste time stopping by the Admission's desk to ask for the room number. He had enough with stupid Girls who makes you wait for years to answer a simple question. Instead, he flipped his phone on, dialing her number while walking around inside the corridors, peeking in each rooms he passed by. It didnt took long before she picked. And as quick as she was with answering his call, was her answer.

"207, ICU" With that she hung up. Perfect. He just passed that Unit.

He turned his feet and headed back to the East Hall, following the arrow that lead to ICU. As he drew closer to the ward, the heavy scent of alcohol and chemicals began to fill his nostrils. That corridor leading to the ICU hall seemed dimmer and for some reasons it feels so sad.

Intensive Care Unit. Unit for those whose condition are in great danger.

It's meaning began to sink deep in his mind. And as it's meaning began to register in his mind, his feet began to feel heavy as lead, as his heart began to hammer loudly inside his chest. His whole body began to feel weak as he drew closer to the ward's closed doors.

This must be fear.

Final Distance

2007-11-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

~From the song Final Distance, in my own words~

"I want to see you but our actions pushes us a wave apart.

And again, another thousand miles grows between us.

Even though I can see the end, I'd still want the two of us to try again. I know there's no harm in trying. Even if I know that I'm not much of a hardworker, I still kept on trying.

But now, even our wounds has grown deeper with each words we throw. What happened to our hard work?

I want to be with you,because I still believe that one day we'll be able to overcome this distance. That one day we'll be together again, even though we're apart. That we'll be able to embrace this wave and bring that fleeting emotion back"

"But even though I still believe in us, I can see the end much closer. SO close, that it's eating me up. I'm afraid but we have chosen this path. It's time to say goodbye."

Save Me

2007-11-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I"m sorry, I"m sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Just how many times does he need to repeat those words?

How many times would it take to erase all his sins?

Would it change anything and and heal all his wounds?

Can it bring back time and save his soul?

Would it really make a difference?

" I dont want to be alone, Dont leave me! Dont leave me! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!!..."

Is there anyone even listening to his pleas?

"I dont want to be alone..."

And what will he do if somebody does grants his wish?

Would it make a difference?

"Somebody Save me...Please..."

********

He woke up sweating cold. The night is still young and the bonfire that stupid moron made was still miraculously burning. He smiled at the sight of his sleeping companions.

That dream doesnt bother him anymore.

After all, he's not alone anymore.

My Home

2007-10-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

She watched in silence as the crowd waved him farewell. His arrogant smile from earlier still plays vivid in her mind as she watched his back disappear from her view. She really wanted to see him off, to bid him a final good bye, but her condition had worsen. She couldnt feel anything in her hands anymore, and her whole body feels so heavy. She could barely move and breathing had become such a chore for her. That's why she decided to lock herself here in this place.

So that he'll never know of her pain.

She smiled as the darkness finally swallowed his traces. Now she can let these supressed tears flow out.

Heaven knows how much she wanted to tell him those words, but she knew it'll just bring him bad luck, just like what he always say about those kind of emotions, but even though she wasnt able to tell him those, she was able to give him a reason to live right?

He has a reason to return.

Now that he has a place to call home.

Ice crystals began to form on her skin. But his vividly smiling face kept her from feeling the pain. She just want to think of him and only him for this moment.

This final moments.

Nothing else.

Just to relive her memories of him.

Nothing else.

A final drop of tear rolled down her cheek, joining the small icicles that formed her slowly freezing body. Her pale blue lips muttered a single name before she finally closed her eyes and fell into a deep winter sleep.

A loud crash echoed through out the village, as a tower of ice rose up from the small cottage they had built for their most precious Child. The small cottage had been reduced to nothing but scraps by the time they arrived, and they could do nothing to save their precious Child.

The Towering Ice rose up to the heaven, as if it was trying to reach the moon. And on it's center was their fragile Child, in deep sleep, surrounded by red nest of crystal ice.

Your Home.

2007-10-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

"I was always indecisive with almost everything. And with that I knew I had hurt a lot of people around me." She smiled as she bowed her head down. She just couldnt look him in the eyes. In such an awkward situation, how can she?

"But you know, after I went on this trip, I learned how to be confident. To be able to face the consequnces of my actions. "

" Good for you then. " He sounded like he didnt care. Like this was just one of her rantings. She felt her heart ache with that pain again. And this time it feels so much worst than ever. But she already made her decision. This pain is something that cant hold her back anymore...

She needs to tell him what she feels before he leaves. Now that her time is something she cant be sure of, she wants him to know.

Even if he doesnt return it.

" And that's why, I wanted to talk to you...just before you leave. I mean, I know I'm just nothing but a nuisance to you, and I always hated the way you treated me, but..."

He still seemed so distant to her. Cold and always cautious. Ambitious and Arrogant in thousand ways. Yet despite that, he was always there for her. He always had been there for her. To catch her. He always protected her. And yet he never used that against her.

Never...

And now that they're finally parting ways....The least she can do is give him something he never had in his entire life...

"But what? I dont have much time, Spit it out whatever it is." He is as impatient as ever. But, she knew that her time is running out as well. Her hands have started to feel cold. She doesnt want him to see her like this...so...

She took a deep breath, and lift her gaze to meet his. And with the most precious and sincere smile she could ever have, and probable her last...

"After everything's done, I want you to return back Home. I want you to return back here... Here with us, with your family. Please?" She bit her lip as the word 'us' pulled a string inside her. She knew she can never be one of that 'us'.

Not with her condition now.

Silence ruled for that dreadful minutes. She wanted to break the unsettling ice to excuse herself but his sudden arrogant smile made her change her mind. And even if he didnt answer her back, she knew he'll be coming back home.

Chasing After Heaven

2007-10-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

When did he started to feel this emotion?

An emotion so obscured from his life. An emotion he neve wished to learn about nor to hear about. Yet here he is, enduring this ravenous pain raging in his chest.

He had been in over all kinds of painful tortures, enduring all those physical pain with his eyes staring back at his tormentors, mocking them as they inflict more pain on his batttered body.

Yet why does this nonvisble pain can do so much to him?

Why does he feel so weak and helpless with this mere emotion?

What kind of power does this emotion posses?

How?

He was raised in brutality and pure instinct. He was never cared for, nor tended to. He endured all his wounds, fatal or not, he made it through all those ailments he had been through, yet how come such pathetic emotion can do so much damage to him?

He clearly does not have the answer for these questions, but it is clear to him that only her has the power to heal it.

Yet did he just cast her away to the perils of her own land?

Did he just broken off all his ties with her and vowed to forget that measly woman?

For all she did brought him are mishaps and annoyance.

Yet, despite that, he felt he finally belonged.

And although he refused to admit it, his chest began to feel so heavy while his heart pounded loudly in his ears as he watched her back disappear from his sight. He was really happy for her now that she had returned from where she came from. Back to those luxuries and comfort.

Away from his world.

But why was she crying? Why was she begging for him?

He didnt pay heed to her cries and watched her disappear. After all, this was for her own good. This is for the better.

If that is so, then why is he running back to her?

Why is he so desperate to see her again, to hear her voice, and feel her warmth?

What is this overwhelming urge to take her away from her home again?

Why is he chasing after something he had deemed insignificant in his life?

Maybe, he just wants tto find the real meaning of this word 'happiness'

"Do you know what happiness is?"

Why

2007-10-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

Why?

Why is it so cold and dark?

Why am I here all alone?

My hands are freezing and my lips are blue. My feet are heavy and my body weighs like lead. My head is spinning and my sight is blurry. Yet most of all, my chest is hurting, hurting so much.

I tried to stand but my body failed to move. I limbs limped as I stuggled against the cold.I breathing labored as mist hovered. I couldnt keep my eyes open, and my mind from twirling.

Yet all of this I can tolerate, except for the pain twisting inside my heart.

What happened to that prairie grove I used to love?

What happened to the green plains I used to lay?

What happened to the warmth I used to feel?/

What happened to comfort you once gave me?

Why am I alone?

Why does it hurt?

Why can I just be numbed?

Why?

~Oblivion~

2007-10-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

'This heavy feeling again, it hurts so much, I cant breathe anymore.'

Despite this warmth this place has given me, I'm still freezing from the cold winds of Autumn. And just like a fragile piece of glass, I'm breaking. Slowly and painfully. It hurts so much, so much that I couldnt help but cry. But I dont have any tears to shed anymore, nor emotions to show. Even though I want to shout out my pain, my voice cannot be heard anymore, not even my pleas.

I am alone. In this fake world. Waiting for the lies to crumble down on me, to cover my with their deceit. I have lost hope in searching for the light, and now, I believe that there is nothing but darkness in this world.

Those lights would only bring me pain anyways, with broken promises of filled with conceit. I am in so much pain and misery already, I dont need another burden to my heart.

And even if another light would come again, with it's promises of hope, I will only shunn it away, for now, I am nothing but Oblivion's child. My heart has nothing but pain and suffering, and it would bring nothing but harm to those who try to bring light to it's dark reality.

So till my world crumbles down on me, I will stay here, waiting for darkness to engulf me wholy into it's endless abyss.

~Memories~

2007-10-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

She smiled as she coughed up a crimson stained phlegm. She had gotten paler and thinner than he had last seen her, so fragile, so easy to break.

And even though it was tugging painfully at his heartstrings, he had to do this. He has no other choice.

"Choose now. Your life or that man's life?"

He hated how his voice sounded so stern. He wanted to show her how he really feels about this, but somehow, he cant. And he hated that.

So much.

Again, she smiled. Despite her weakened state, that iridiscent smile still hast lost it's grace. That innocent smile that can make you lose your inhibitions and doubts. He cant believe that that wonderful smile didnt worked on that bastard!

The same smile, that would soon disappear if she makes the wrong decision.

"I know you know what would my answer be. And I know, you would hate me for this. But--"

He cut her off before he could hear those words. He just cant take it, how can she be this stupid?

Why?

"Is that your final answer?"

She smiled again. "Yes. I'd give up my life that to have him die with out being able to reach his dreams. he has so many skies to fly to, and with my current state, I cant be his wings anymore. But, if I give up my life, then in a way, I can be still his wings. I can still help him soar up in the skies..."

"You are so pathetic." Keeping his emotions sealed within him, to keep such a stern and disciplined visage. How he detest such facade!

"I know." She smiled again.

"Are you ready?" He drew his sword, gripping it so tightly, hoping that by some miracle, his grip could break his sword, thus hindering him from delivering her punishment. He could feel his inside shivering with anger, anger towards that bastard who sentenced her into such fate.

"Uhmm, yeah, but, can you do me one favor?"

"A favor?" His raging emotion stopped for a moment. What favor could this be?

She giggled. "Actually, 2 favors! And you dont have a right to say no."

"Damn you..." With that giggle, how can he resist?

"I'll take that as a yes!" In a swift move, that caught him off guard, she leaned over him, tiptoed, trying to reach his height, she held his hand tightly as she kissed his cheek. Blood rushed into his cheeks, as she broke off, but kept her hold on his hands.

"First, erase his memories of me. Every memory, every moment he shared with me. For I know my death would only bring him sadness, thus hindering his flight."

"And lastly, live without the burden of guilt. My death, is not of anybody's fault. So, after I receive my punishment, I want you to live your life, on how it was, before. Please?"

He didnt knew when did she got hold of his dagger, or how did she pushed him away that hard considering her health. All he knew was he felt himself hit the wall, and before he knew it, he was helplessly watching her take her own life.

He felt his whole body froze as the dagger plunged into her body. And as her body collapsed, bathing in her own blood, he felt so disgusted with himself. Her smile seemed so haunting, now that her face is covered with her blood.

She's gone.

She finally left his life.

And she wasnt even able to hear what he has to say.

How stupid can you be, choosing that man's life...over yours...

He never felt so weak and so small. He felt so stupid and powerles as he watched her take her own life. How can he not stop her?

Why?

Why?

~Gentle Hands~

2007-10-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

It was always cold and dark...

So cold and chilling, so void of life...

I could feel your pain, everytime I look into your eyes.

And whenever I touch your hands, all I could feel are the callouses that your hatred has brought upon you. And even though you are close to me, You always feels so distant, so far away. And all I wanted was to wrap you in my arms and keep you warm.

You always, always tried your best. Risking your life, just for the moment. It hurts me whenever you would carelessly do something that you knew would be close to impossible. As if life meant nothing to you.

It was like you have nothing to lose.

But you do.

I am here.

Me, whom you always protected. Me, whom you always shielded from harm. Me, who is just nothing but a burden to you.

Me, who just wanted to embrace you and tell you that I'll be always here...for you...

Always, always...

no matter what happens...

I'll be here, waiting....

Waiting for the time you'd finally open your heart, and smile a smile from your heart

Finally...you're smiling...

2007-10-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

Not the cold rain drops, nor the freezing wind, or the gloomy gray skies could shake his faith. For finally, his journey has ended. He can now return back.

Back to his new home.

A new home that has been waiting for his return, oh so patiently.

A home no matter what, will always be there for him.

A home he promised he'll return to.

And so, despite his injuries, nor the heavy suit of armor he wore, or the blinding pain on his side, he made his way home.

For not even the most trecherous paths, or the wildest animals or fearsome bandits can hinder his way. Nor even Death. They are nothing but ants in his way...

His way home.

He knows she's there...

Waiting...

Always..

He's almost there...now that he can smell the scent of the flowers, now that he can hear the songs of the birds...

He's almost there...

Just few more steps, few more steps...and he'll be finally home. He can finally rest. In her arms.

The chilling winds began to calm down, and the furious rains turned into drizzle. The gray sky seemed finite as the iridiscent blue slowly came to view. All for the sake of his coming home.

Home...

His vision has gotten blurry now, and the pain ached less. His heavy suit felt lighter, and he felt his strenght return. Enough strenght for him to run his way down the hills, towards home.

Few more steps...

A little more...

Just few more...

and finally...it'll be home.

And as the majestic blue skies finally conquered the gray, he knew, he was finally home.

Her back seemd so small and fragile, just like how he remembered. Her dazzling raven hair, dancing in the soft wind's melody.

"I'm finally home." he whispered so softly, so softly, yet enough for her to hear. She turned to face his, just as his weak legs gave in. Just in time to catch his fall.

"Welcome back..."

She smiled as she combed away the stray strands of hair on his face.

"You're finally home." She kissed his forehead, as he reached out to caress her face, leaving a trail of blood on her pale face.

"I didnt made you wait, right?"

"No...You never made me wait..."

"Liar."He smiled as a small drop of tear rolled down on the side of his face.

"No, what happened in the past means nothing to me now. We both promised to each other..that we'll be together...one day...and now.."

"Yeah...we did..."

She covered his eyes with her palm, as she kissed his forehead. "Rest well my beloved."

"We're finally together..."

And with that, soft gust of wind blew, and the tiny sparkling lights slowly appeared, enveloping his resting body. The sparkles lingered for a moment, and before it finally disappeared, a young man and his blonde friend appeared from the woods.

"He's back!" The young blonde friend gasped, as they made their way towards him. They other fellow stopped and pluck a pair of purple flowers. "Yeah, he's back...just like what he promised."

The young man laid the flowers on a marble gravestone with her name written on it. And beside the gravestone, was his resting body, with a smile on his face.

"Finally, you're smilling."

~Crimson Melody~

2007-10-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

Her body was slowly fleeting away, her senses numbed of any pain now. Her body felt so weak and heavy. She could see spirals of colr blurring her vision and her head floating in a limbo.

But she struggled to stand up, and removed her helmet. Blood from her head injury trickled down her face, blinding her sight, as she limped her way to the lake.

The lake was one of the place she always wanted to go, but never had a chance...

Blood trailed her path, marking her march to Death's arms.

Those faint memories she had lost were slowly coming back, and that strange ache in her heart started to drum in. A familiar face came into her mind, creating a pool of tears in her eyes.

What seems like forever, finally ended. Struggling to reach her destination, she almost crawled her way to the port. Her feet felt as heavy as lead, yet she still struggled to stand up, supporting her weight against the railings.
She weakly unzipped her suit, revealing her crimson stained shirt. The cold chill of Winter's breeze blew against her badly battered flesh, yet, she didnt feel any chills.

Her dazzling black hair, danced against the breeze, as her tears from the unknown pain trickled down her crimson stained face.

From the distance, a figure that has been haunting her memories came into sight, beckoning her towards him, in the middle of a winter spelled lake.

She smiled weakly, straightened up against her wobbly and weak knees. She stumbled on a misplaced pail, and it took her a while before she was able to stand on her feet again.

She struggled aginst her weak body's woes, and finally reached the end of the port. Yet she continued on walking towards the figure.

And on the cold spell cast upon the waters of the lake she fell, barely aware of her surrounding.

Her hair gracefully danced against the water , with it's red streaks slowly fading away. Crimson stained the waters as she continued to sink, her weak smile appeared for one last time, the same smile he cherished the most.

She mouthed one last word, a name of that figure she saw on the lake, the only last person she wanted to see, and the person who unconsciously did this to her.

She gave her last breath as her last air went up as bubbles to the surface. She slowly closed her eyes, for finally, she found her rest.

Unaware, that the person she called out for, was there, looking for her, worried and innocent of the crime he had just sentenced her to.

Winter sky's tears capped the man as he followed the trail of crimson tears on the white capped debri. And what he found on the crimson stained seat in the cockpit confirmed his worst nightmare.

But it was too late...

~Winter Sleep~

2007-10-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

To him, she always seemed nothing but annoyance. She always irritates him in all the possible ways. And all her actions seemed too stupid to him. She’s too weak, too stupid and useless. She always needs to be saved, and has the most pathetic ways of dealing with things.

In short, he despises her the most.

That if something happens to her, he will be the most joyful.

Then if that is the case…

Then what is this pain clawing inside his chest?

Then, why are these tears flowing down his eyes?

He hated her the most, he always wished her to disappear in his life. And now, now, that she’s gone…

Now that she wouldn’t be coming back…

Why does he feel so pained?

Why does he feel so powerless?

She didn’t mean anything to him, right?

He didn’t care as to what ever happens to her, right?

That as much as possible, he wanted her out of his sight, and if possible, even in his life.

Then, now, now that he has finally got what he wished for…

Why does he feel so regretful?
Why?

He shouldn’t be feeling this way.

He should be happy right?

He should be laughing, rejoicing over her lost, over her departure in his life.

She’s not coming back anymore, so he shouldn’t be feeling this pain. This ache. This hurt.

Why?

WHY? Why? Why?

She’s gone…

And she’s not coming back.

Never coming back.

Even if he calls her name.

Even if he searches for her.

Even if he begs her to stay.

She wont be coming back.

Never coming back…

He can never hear her irritating voice again, or see her annoying grin, or that smile of hers.

He can never touch her pale skin, or save her weak body from tripping. He can never hear her nonsense blabbing about how wonderful life is, or how delicate life is.

That life is something to be cherished and cared for.

Something you can only have once…

“If I can live another life over again, I’d be falling in love with the same person all over again.”

He wants to see her again.

He needs to hear her voice again.

He is desperate for her touch.

He needs to be with her.

He needs her…

But…

Now that she’s gone….

What worth life is to him?

Now that she isn’t coming back…